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We all have our favorite moments in film, whether it’s Marlon Brando making offers, Mel Gibson shouting about freedom or literally any scene containing the Coliseum in Gladiator. Films give us endless moments that stick with us. Personal scenes that speak to you in a way that may not speak to anyone else. Then there are those moments that just bug the shit out of you. Perhaps it’s the way a line is delivered, an awkward facial expression that brings the whole scene crashing down. Or it’s on a larger level, a film destroyed because of a particular character or lack thereof.  So I give you my top five moments in film that plagues me to no end.

bug 1

Star wars –“I loved you”

There are many moments in BOTH Star Wars trilogies that annoy me. It’s a franchise I was raised on and grew to love regardless of some of the prequels faults. If you’re thinking I’m referring to the whole Leia/Han “I love you/I know” exchanges then you’re wrong, because that scene is still fucking awesome decades on. No I’m heaping my hate on one of the prequels (because who has ever done that before). So Obi Wan has just sliced and diced that pissy little twat we were meant to actually like in the first three films. Then the master says to his “dying” apprentice “You were my brother Anakin, I loved you”. WOHH WOOHH WOH now, what was that, you LOVE him.

Now before you start getting the pitch forks and torches out I’m not alluding to a homosexual relationship here, although it would have improved the plot of the third episode. I’m simply stating that Obi Wan just declared his love for another Jedi, even if it is a platonic brotherly love, its still love none the less. Now if I am not mistaken the last three films continually rammed it down our throats that love is completely forbidden within the Jedi order. That doesn’t just mean you can’t get your end away in a certain Naboo princess. That means no love full stop.

What about Alien love?

What about Alien love?

So to add to the bad dialogue, flat characters and soon to be very outdated CGI, Star Wars’ whole forbidden love aspect is a pile of shit. If you’re a Jedi master on the council it’s totally cool that you can love your friend, even if it’s platonic.  So nice one Obi, teaching your friend not to love and then telling him you love him is kind of a dick move… Oh and the fact you cut his limbs off and set him of fire. I thought you were the good guy?

bug 3

X men – Where the hell is Nightcrawler?

Seriously! We all know that post X2 the franchise took a nose dive of the X jet, and only now with Days of Future Past has it levelled out. What’s the best X Men movie? Easy X2. What’s the best scene in that film? Even easier, the opening Nighcrawler fight scene. So why haven’t we seen the blue acrobat ever since? Yes we did get the devil like Azazel in First Class, but his fight scene was lame he had about as many lines as Guard #2 in the first X Men.

Why wasn't I the most awesome partof this film?

Why wasn’t I the most awesome part of this film?

The franchise kept on such characters as Rouge, who hasn’t had a decent scene since the first movie. Even a character like Storm is complete dead weight, what purpose does she have in any of these films? Nighcrawler is the ultimate mutant outcast. He has more depth than any of the younger lot they threw at us in X3. I mean he is completely unable to hide in society, while Storm and Cyclops have god like powers and can blend seamlessly amongst us Homo sapiens. Where’s the fun in that? Where’s the conflict? The main theme throughout the films plot lines are that mutants are outsiders and are feared by society, yet we get rid of one of the few characters that are unable to hide in a human world. It also has to be said that his power is awesome; it is definitely my answer to the “what mutant power would you have” question.  I even played through the entire X3 video game just to see why Nighcrawler wasn’t in the movie. I got to the rather bullshit conclusion that he opts out of working with the X Men because he is a peace loving man. That’s after I killed dozens of enemies. What a cop out.

Alan Cumming has stated he really disliked the make up process. Grow a ball sack Alan, I would assume that you wouldn’t mind the role back considering the last film I saw you in was Son of the Mask. I was trying to work in a joke about your second name being Cumming, but it was too hard…

bug 5

The Godfather 3 – Tom vs Michael 

I’m cheating a little big here, mainly because Tom Hagen was a major character in the first two parts of the Godfather trilogy, I was supposed to be picking out minor aspects, but to that I say…Fuck you. His absence from the third film doomed it to mediocrity. Where was Tom Hagen? Well he died in-between the two films and all we got of his legacy was his priest son, who does literally fuck all in the whole movie.

Why does it bug me that he wasn’t included? I mean we still got Francis Ford directing, Michael Corleone was still present and we even got his sister returning (Rockys wife). The plot however involved too much business with the church and not enough Andy Garcia taking the reins of the family. If Tom was involved it would have meant the faceoff between Tom and Michael, a clash that had been building throughout the trilogy. Think about it, Tom VS Michael, the culmination of decades of disagreements and Toms disillusionment with Michaels rule over the Corleone crime family. Michael’s ruthlessness against Tom’s logic would make for a great movie. The Corleones had wiped out all of their rivals throughout the years; a civil war would have been far more interesting than just another gang v gang mob war. Throw in Andy Garcia and all the redemption shit and you have a perfect end to a perfect film series.

But no, what did we get? Sophia Fucking Coppola

bug 6

Lord of the Rings – Ill swap you one Bilbo for your Frodo

Hobbit conclusion: Bilbo becomes rich and goes off and lives in Bag End for sixty years before Frodo inherits the one ring and The Lord of the Rings story begins. Okay just going to throw this out there. The danger of what transpired in The Hobbit is now over, Bilbo is swimming in gold. Wouldn’t he kind of just turned to Gandalf and said “by the way, totally used this magic ring to survive pretty much everything that just happened”, Gandalf “Hmmmm I might look have to look into this”.  BAM Lord of the Rings starts with Bilbo as the protagonist. Yeah we might lose some of the best characters of the series but we gain an able leading man/hobbit. Frodo was pretty shit in the film version, try playing a drink game where you drink every time Frodo falls over or does something utterly daft that endangers the whole quest, you’ll be hammered before they even get to Rivendell.

This has no purpose in this article other than its sheer beauty

This has no purpose in this article other than its sheer beauty

Even if Bilbo was the protagonist after his 111th birthday, wouldn’t it add a load of tension knowing he’s had this evil ring for decades. That the evil of the ring would have a far tighter grip on him than it ever would have with Frodo “I didn’t even throw the ring into Mount Doom at the end” Baggins. Martin Freemans Hobbit is far superior to Elijah blue eyes’ Frodo. It’s just too bad he’s stuck in the lesser film trilogy.

But here’s me picking at J.R.R Tolkien’s masterpiece, what’s Elvish for get your shit together.

bug 8

Saving Private Ryan – The Duel

I think this one is the only one on the list that bugs me for all the right reasons. War is hell. It’s inglorious, brutal and is the collapse of human logic. Too many films glorify such a barbaric act, there is no good war.

Speilburg’s Saving Private Ryan captured the cruelty of World War 2 perfectly. The films concluding battle is one where pretty much everyone dies, but one of those violent deaths sticks out in my mind. The guy that held on to his sticky bomb for too long nearly made this spot on the list, purely for the waste of a human life. But no, it’s that harrowing scene where Mellish gets on the wrong side of a Nazi youth knife.

Like I said the scene where he is slowly killed bugs me for all the right reasons, it’s meant to. I don’t know whether it’s the sound of the knife being pushed into the soldier’s stomach or the whispering of the Nazi doing it that just makes me cringe. It’s a horrifying scene that really pushes the message, war = bad. To top it off the following scene sees the very same German soldier strut right past that cowardly bastard with all the ammunition.

TWAT TWAT TWAT TWAT

TWAT TWAT TWAT TWAT

When I am sifting through my DVD collection for something to watch, when I come to Saving Private Damon, it’s this scene that flashes into my head. I put the DVD back 9/10, usually whispering to myself “I can’t handle that shit right now”.

What bugs you in most in your favorite movies? What would you change if you could?

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