So you’re going to university this year, so perhaps you’re worried about meeting new people, here is some tips on how to be an absolute and total bastard to your housemates. Slamming doors and leaving the oven on overnight just won’t cut it, these following steps will make you public enemy number one, and ensure you are the talk of the house for all the wrong reasons, the worst thing about being talked about is not being talked about.
1.Leave all your dirty dishes in the sink-
I don’t mean one or two of your plates, I mean all of them, preferably use your flatmates cutlery too (without asking).A few crumbs won’t do. You’ll need spaghetti plastered all over your bowls (left in your room for a few days so that the paste can harden into an unrecognisable red substance). You need a mountain of washing up that would take even the most trained dish washer several weeks to scratch the surface of your fine collection of crockery. You’ll need to clog up the sink in its entirety so that your house mates will have to eat their food off the cardboard their pizzas came in, and you need to leave your washing up in this cesspit of a kitchen sink for so long, entire eco systems begin growing amongst your cutlery jungle; until they make a tiny bacteria civilisation and praise you as their God.
2.Play loud music all the time –
Not just at night or at other inappropriate times such as exam season or when one of your flat mates are going through a tough time, play it ALL the time, all day, every day, with beautiful music only you could enjoy. If your flat mates complain about it, lock your door and crank it up to 11 until they vacate the house. A fun thing to do is leave your phone in your locked room, connect it to your speakers and set an alarm for around 5 am, sleep at a friend’s that night or even better visit home for the weekend, preferably set your favourite song as the alarm tone. I guarantee you will be utterly fucking hated when you return home to find your flat mates camping out in front of your house or Uni building trying to both avoid the constant roar of your favorite song coming from your room and the urge to collectively murder you and share the blame amongst themselves.
3.Be inconsistently sociable-
Now this one is a tight rope. If you are to sociable they may, god forbid actually like you, but if you live a hermit like existence playing Xbox and subscribing to porn websites using your student loan you acquired from the government, they may actually forget you exist, which is not our aim here. So you have to be both hyper sociable and painfully ignorant to other peoples existence. For example Friday night you could spend all day, literally morning to night with one of your flatmates, if they tell you to leave simply refuse too in a happy tone. Even better try and get into your house mates room when they are with their girl/boy friend, do not leave no matter the awkwardness, sitting in the middle of them is a plus. The next day do not leave your room, if that housemate comes to your door attempting some “hangout “time, simply lock the door without saying a word and refer to number 2 on this list.
4. Eat other people’s food –
Now I think all flat mates are guilty of this at least once in their Uni life time. You must do this every day, even if you’re not hungry, a bite of someone’s cheese here, a missing pot noodle there. If someone asks you if it was you, both deny it and then blame someone else, if someone else confronts you, blame the first person that asked you, creating a finely crafted web of deceit. If they finally find out the true culprit and have you cornered, swear you have learned your lesson and that you will never do it again, and then refer to the next point.
5.Promise to do things you have no intention of doing –
“Ill take the bins out tonight”
“Leave the washing up to me”
“Ill turn it down after this song I promise”
“Oh, your parents are visiting on the weekend, I definitely won’t tell them inappropriate stories about your time here at Uni”
These should be sentences you can essentially say without thinking. In a communal environment people will want you to do things that benefit the whole house, you will not do these things, you are the mindless rebel, you are the lovable rogue, you’re like Han Solo, but with less likability. Promise as if your life depended on it, for added weight to your promises, swear upon the life of your longest and most dearest friend, don’t worry, you don’t have a dearest friend…Your a prick, remember.
Enjoy Uni living, your flatmates won’t…